he Sees me

So many conversations they always tend to run together. well this particular one we were talking about sex. i asked him if he knew of a women called lethal lips and he said yes. and i told him about how she makes me horny cause she can put anything in her mouth and be like taa daa lol  now in my mind i have an oral fixation i like things in my mouth lol he pointed out that i was not a pro lol hence a video lol i said i had to be warmed up lol lol he said no lol now im so glad that he is not fazed by general talk. but now it is so my mission to swallow him lol just cause he thinks i can't do it. shout out to all the ladies i know with no gag relflex. lol  now on to what scares me. because i am a giver some people require more then others.so at this point in my life i have let go with a total of maybe 3 people. those relationships all ended badly. so my issues have issues when it comes to letting go and just being me with someone. so far with him its not so bad. my inner little girl gets to be out in the sun. s far as the sex goes well we will see. i hope i don't get into something that scars me or something worse. rambling is what i do lol so i know this blog is all over the place. lol

Unconditional

we crossed paths a long time ago. everything was touch and go. this year it was on a priority list to see what was on the other persons mind. he promises undying devotion and a passion like i have never experienced. we talk everyday and not a moment goes by that i don't have him on my mind. him being and older gentleman there is absolutely no drama. i love with everything i see us doing. the marriage, traveling, love making, how open to things he is. we in my mind are royalty and the world is our playground and nothing is taboo when it comes to our happiness. very content with just being us and he allows me to just be me and he sees both sides and understands my needs. WONDERFUL lol i am just happy with everything going on i am so in love.

i hate being right

about relationships in general.i have walls in place for a reason. it's rare that i let people get extra close to me. always the great disappointed. so i always give enough rope to hang them self. i always root for the guys/girls but they never win. there is one he makes me smile. in all serious talking i'm clam with him no issues, no red flags, no skips and holes. love him. with my cheer leading outfit on with no panties i am so on his team to win this thing.

loss

from family members to the loves in your life. how do you deal with that? how do you make it threw the day? i usually re-visit until it doesn't hurt as much anymore. be it pictures video "text" what ever was shared. it adds bricks to the walls. because what ever i go threw seems to stay with me good and bad. even if i meet a new person i tend to look at whats happend in my past and wait for the bad shit to happen.no i know thats not fair, however i am still learning about myself. i love myself more then anything and i don't like to be subject to any harm long or short term. my thing is being happy with me and the people i have around me.  i keep people at a distance because that is what is safe for me. if i let you in i feel very vulnerable and open. some that scares away some it gives them a power or a hold over you. like a lost companion. it just hurts.

a conversation

i really have to know.
you know the things we talked about.
i opened my soul to you.
you said you understood and could see me.
you told me you were in love with me.
i called you my king. that was very deep for me.
then you left me.
didn't want to converse with me.
you'd just text me.
my heart suffered because i didn't understand why.
but i complied.
then i see online another is calling you her king.
does this mean you left or are leaving me.
just tell me.
if i had a superpower i would come to your dimension.
i would face you demand answers.
you have me up late at night wondering about you.
scared to call you, or text your, but when i do you
snap at me. treat me like I'm your enemy. just last week
you couldn't get enough of me. just last week you were all
in love with me. what did i do. did i say something wrong?
did you read a text wrong? my other person the Bad Mutha fucka
that lives in my head. is shaking her her head like i told you so
i told you men lie. they suck your energy and leave you hanging. we
shouldn't have let him get so close. you shouldn't have talked about
any secrets. it disgust me the way you two were on the phone now your
sitting here over thinking and being a pitiful bitch. all because your
not first on his mind when he wants to talk or he won't forgive you. get
over it and move on. i like to date. i like to fuck. i like to rule over
the people that find there way to my path, it feeds me you have no idea.
and if your weak enough to let someone do this to you a life time away then
i need to be in the drivers seat again. and you need to sit your emotionally
needy ass down. they wouldn't have gotten that far with me.

you call me needy but your with me. you can't live without me.

point taken. let me take over for a while. you will see we will be fine
in the end. i won't let a male with his issues and insecurities destroy our bond.
i love you to much from my soul to let that happen to us. i will decimate any
person or thing that is not supportive of our life on this path. be patient with me
toya i can handle this. no more love out side of us. unless it comes from us.
and to the others i can tell if your not true you are next. the tree will be shaken
the dead limbs and leaves will fall and we will began a new when spring comes. i love you
i am in love with you. with our relationship. no one will come between us again. if hey can't
love the both of us then they will have neither of us. trust me this way is best.

i slipped

Usually i am very reserved. i let some people in for specific reasons. and i try not to get emotional and let everything bother me. now more often then most times i lash out verbally. i did this with a friend of mine that i care about. in my version of it he said he was going to do something and didn't with the week i had he caught a little bit of sarcasm and i hurt his feelings. I felt that i was wrong so i apologized i asked for his forgiveness he said he didn't know if he could forgive me but he still loved me. no i know that i shouldn't let the little things rule my emotional health. now i have an issue with people telling me they are going to do something and then don't especially something small like a phone call but i can see you all day online like it's no ones business. lol i think i will be charging this to the game and getting over it. its hurts me to know that something as small as a phone call can put me off from wanting to be close to a person. i may be a little anal when it comes to this but who knows maybe i need way more time alone and knowing myself better then i already feel that i do. no more slipping on my part in front of others. no more putting my self in a position where i am made to feel bad because i want quality time from someone who doesn't seem interested in spending time with me.

lies,

when someone tells you how they are listen. but its always better to match the actions. it may not be serious to some.but with so little things of value on this plain  your word and character represent you and it sometimes takes a life time to build and a few short hours to tear down. so if your ever dealing with someone. just be upfront. say what you want tell the other person what your situation is and let them make the choice if they want to be involved with you. its makes things so much better in the long run.

The Male.

somethings you see in people and then the way they act toward you can be worlds apart. i have a person in my life that calls me his wife. yet. i don't hear from them everyday. they don't keep there word on the things they say they will etc. etc. i have someone in my life that lives with a women. -not his mother lol that tells me he can see me for who i am and wants to know more. i have another person in my life that tells me I'm so fun and they can see themselves with me for the rest of there life. now me being who i am i am taking you at your words. i no longer go out on a limb emotionally because it hurts way to much. instead i choose to live in the moment and not let anyone get close to my core. when i sit alone and think i can have all the money and material things in the world if i wanted. the only thing my heart wants is to be loved by someone that was made for me. some days i really think that he is not born on this realm or has already passed or he won't see me. the first person i talked about at one time i felt it was him, but then again the person made fore me would show more interest in me, he would care about my day to day, he would want to be around me without me asking. now i know that people can't read minds and all but it's a little thing called courtesy  if your wanting someone one nothing should stand in your way life is way to short.-FYI no one is getting Christmas.

Things change

I am so refocused on the way i want my business. I so needed something to call my own and help others.i have come up with a few that i think will help me with this. so far i have created my corporation and named a website. the next step is to build the website and the others in support, gather the material need to get me started and watch the money pile up. wish me the best my need rush in life.

matters of the heart.

Vampires. they have a bad wrap sometimes. it's not there fault if people are drawn to them or if they get hurt in more ways then physical is they are involved with them. they see a lot and deal with things on day to day basis. i bring up vampires because emotionally i feel that way. i feel like i have seen so much and nothing is really new to make me want to step outside the box anymore. take for instance you meet someone and they find you attractive, interesting, charming, loving, caring, sensual, sexual,and then they fall in love with you, not over a long period of time but everyone is different. then all of a sudden they loose interest. you grow indifferent, bitter,cold, then uninterested. they come back its not the same and now your suspicious of any and everything. and then you meet someone new. same / similar cycle begins again. the spark you see in a person usually that's about it. even people that are on your same frequency maybe they are just for that one season or for your ego boost at the time. i don't know i just needed to vent

Full moons

Full Moons and Fertile days for me anyway is the most tourcher because its like im in heat. with NO one around. i usually focus on work or find a good scene and get it done. its a good thing i only have one offspring becuase it everything would have went according to my plan i would have been married and probably pushing out kid number infinity. but things have seem to set me on a path of learning. know myself and what i want in this life a little bit at a time. the people that i meet, the things that i see, and the places i go, all have a meaning behind them so even when i don't want to i am trying my best to enjoy every little thing about it.

this is to

the great loves of my life. Leo, Robert, Nate and Garson. Thank you for showing a lil bit more about myself that i didn't know. how do deal with passion, lust, understanding, and heatache. this has made me a better women. someone who can understand better the things that make a relationship work and support a healthy mental balance between two people. even tho things didn't work out and non of us came close to marriage. i respect and love you for the lessons you taught me. Thank you for everything your wife once upon a life time -Kitten

DISRESPECT

how does one deal with disrespect in a relationship. my usual step it i will tell you about what i am not happy about and if it keeps getting done i make plans to leave. and then execute. this last issue i had hurt me a bit because i feel kinda fast even tho all of the warning signs where there. sweet one min nasty and insulting the next. or if he got uspest he would recite all of his feelings out loud as if he had it to do all over again. the first couple of times it happened he apologized and i blew it off. then it just got worse. now i am usually a calm person. and the older i get me and the drama do not dance anymore. i usually say what i have to say and keep it moving. but when someone gets you to the point where you only see red and you want to physically assalt them its time to go. i don't condone violence but sometimes people don't understand untill you lay hands. but i took the higher road and walked away. he called and asked i confirmed and its over. to be in love to me takes time i can have love for you in a day but it takes some years and some some serious time together to be in love. now on several occasions i have found my past kings and men that i truly feel that i was with before. in another life. they are not the one i was made for in this life. he is still not within my grasp. but i know a violent relationship is NOT what it will be.

relationships

I am the type of women to support and give to her partner. I love with all of me and i am very passionate about the things in my life, how they make me feel, how i view the world with thoes things in it. every relationship i go into i go in with an open slate in order to get t know that person. i look at it as a new adventure. spending time and communicaiton means the world to me. because what a better thing then knowlege to stimulate the sences. what i expect from my partner is communication openess and understanding. what i hate is a taker  the type of person that doesen't see that there are other sides to ther relationship. the type of person to make you turn bitter after its over then only to try to come back and omit that somethings where done. my type of personality is once it is over its over. you can' t go back and take back anything you did or said and like someone told me lol to go back to an old relationship is like a dog that eats it own vommit. well and there you have it.

family members.....

have you ever had a family member closely related to you that you couldn't get along with to save your life?

Sheep/People/Groups/Organizations.........

for the most part in 2010 some people buy shit and do things to get ahead or show others they got statues. i am the type to do the things that make me happy. while i am here on this earth i am going to make the most of my time here without regrets. if you are the type of person that spends money/time/energy, on trying to out do or impress others with the material things then i just have pity for you. you don't know or care to know that there is life outside of what they sell in stores or trying to figure out what people will want to copy from you so you can have your 15 min of fame. i am writting this today because a series of events have happened and it made me realize a lesson . when i was younger i was a sheep too so i know what kind of sad state it is. just know you don''t have a lot of time to get your lessons. everything happens to you for a reason. the people you meet the things that happend to  you in a day or years just love those around you and make the best of your everyday life. look to see deeper reasons and laugh. because at the end of it all i find it to be all one big dream or a plain of existance.

heart strings

at 33 i had mine stepped on a bit. liked getting a tattoo. hurts a bit. wow not in a million years i would have thought.

33 and In Love

just yesterday my birthday. i was thinking about a million things. my purpose for being here. what my goals for this round are where i see my self. that and watching TV in my lucid moments and i don't really have a great inspiration to do a lot for others just my immediate family. like buying land and keeping it within the family and teaching my kid that the sky is the limit but love yourself and put you first. money and material things and being completely committed to others is a choice in this life. but we came here naked and with nothing and we will leave here so in the mean time its best to learn all you can and be a peace with every decision you make. now to some it may sound a bit morbid however if you do nothing else in this life would it really matter? i just wanted to share a bit of my feelings today.
thanks KB