loss

from family members to the loves in your life. how do you deal with that? how do you make it threw the day? i usually re-visit until it doesn't hurt as much anymore. be it pictures video "text" what ever was shared. it adds bricks to the walls. because what ever i go threw seems to stay with me good and bad. even if i meet a new person i tend to look at whats happend in my past and wait for the bad shit to happen.no i know thats not fair, however i am still learning about myself. i love myself more then anything and i don't like to be subject to any harm long or short term. my thing is being happy with me and the people i have around me.  i keep people at a distance because that is what is safe for me. if i let you in i feel very vulnerable and open. some that scares away some it gives them a power or a hold over you. like a lost companion. it just hurts.

a conversation

i really have to know.
you know the things we talked about.
i opened my soul to you.
you said you understood and could see me.
you told me you were in love with me.
i called you my king. that was very deep for me.
then you left me.
didn't want to converse with me.
you'd just text me.
my heart suffered because i didn't understand why.
but i complied.
then i see online another is calling you her king.
does this mean you left or are leaving me.
just tell me.
if i had a superpower i would come to your dimension.
i would face you demand answers.
you have me up late at night wondering about you.
scared to call you, or text your, but when i do you
snap at me. treat me like I'm your enemy. just last week
you couldn't get enough of me. just last week you were all
in love with me. what did i do. did i say something wrong?
did you read a text wrong? my other person the Bad Mutha fucka
that lives in my head. is shaking her her head like i told you so
i told you men lie. they suck your energy and leave you hanging. we
shouldn't have let him get so close. you shouldn't have talked about
any secrets. it disgust me the way you two were on the phone now your
sitting here over thinking and being a pitiful bitch. all because your
not first on his mind when he wants to talk or he won't forgive you. get
over it and move on. i like to date. i like to fuck. i like to rule over
the people that find there way to my path, it feeds me you have no idea.
and if your weak enough to let someone do this to you a life time away then
i need to be in the drivers seat again. and you need to sit your emotionally
needy ass down. they wouldn't have gotten that far with me.

you call me needy but your with me. you can't live without me.

point taken. let me take over for a while. you will see we will be fine
in the end. i won't let a male with his issues and insecurities destroy our bond.
i love you to much from my soul to let that happen to us. i will decimate any
person or thing that is not supportive of our life on this path. be patient with me
toya i can handle this. no more love out side of us. unless it comes from us.
and to the others i can tell if your not true you are next. the tree will be shaken
the dead limbs and leaves will fall and we will began a new when spring comes. i love you
i am in love with you. with our relationship. no one will come between us again. if hey can't
love the both of us then they will have neither of us. trust me this way is best.

i slipped

Usually i am very reserved. i let some people in for specific reasons. and i try not to get emotional and let everything bother me. now more often then most times i lash out verbally. i did this with a friend of mine that i care about. in my version of it he said he was going to do something and didn't with the week i had he caught a little bit of sarcasm and i hurt his feelings. I felt that i was wrong so i apologized i asked for his forgiveness he said he didn't know if he could forgive me but he still loved me. no i know that i shouldn't let the little things rule my emotional health. now i have an issue with people telling me they are going to do something and then don't especially something small like a phone call but i can see you all day online like it's no ones business. lol i think i will be charging this to the game and getting over it. its hurts me to know that something as small as a phone call can put me off from wanting to be close to a person. i may be a little anal when it comes to this but who knows maybe i need way more time alone and knowing myself better then i already feel that i do. no more slipping on my part in front of others. no more putting my self in a position where i am made to feel bad because i want quality time from someone who doesn't seem interested in spending time with me.

lies,

when someone tells you how they are listen. but its always better to match the actions. it may not be serious to some.but with so little things of value on this plain  your word and character represent you and it sometimes takes a life time to build and a few short hours to tear down. so if your ever dealing with someone. just be upfront. say what you want tell the other person what your situation is and let them make the choice if they want to be involved with you. its makes things so much better in the long run.

The Male.

somethings you see in people and then the way they act toward you can be worlds apart. i have a person in my life that calls me his wife. yet. i don't hear from them everyday. they don't keep there word on the things they say they will etc. etc. i have someone in my life that lives with a women. -not his mother lol that tells me he can see me for who i am and wants to know more. i have another person in my life that tells me I'm so fun and they can see themselves with me for the rest of there life. now me being who i am i am taking you at your words. i no longer go out on a limb emotionally because it hurts way to much. instead i choose to live in the moment and not let anyone get close to my core. when i sit alone and think i can have all the money and material things in the world if i wanted. the only thing my heart wants is to be loved by someone that was made for me. some days i really think that he is not born on this realm or has already passed or he won't see me. the first person i talked about at one time i felt it was him, but then again the person made fore me would show more interest in me, he would care about my day to day, he would want to be around me without me asking. now i know that people can't read minds and all but it's a little thing called courtesy  if your wanting someone one nothing should stand in your way life is way to short.-FYI no one is getting Christmas.

Things change

I am so refocused on the way i want my business. I so needed something to call my own and help others.i have come up with a few that i think will help me with this. so far i have created my corporation and named a website. the next step is to build the website and the others in support, gather the material need to get me started and watch the money pile up. wish me the best my need rush in life.