in mourning

going through the mourning of my inner little girl is harder then i thought it would be. 

Funeral was today

We had to. it was to much to carry both around all the time. we got her a beautiful dress and the speech brought tears to your eyes. something about her drew people close but then she was doing to much going the extra mile for nothing. only to get left behind every time because no one took her serious or even had the time of day to really pay her attention it hurt me to see her let down time and time again. so we had the funeral today by she rest until the soul mate is found and we all can be united and live and be able to breath.. its not a sad day just a day to sit back and see everything for what it is. 

Fuck my balance is off

if my money is right my personal life is way off. if my personal life is bliss im a broke ass. lol who knows what are you going to do. lol my mission is to get my house built our family came into some land so im going to concentrate on building my house and garden. i can be alone and just put if gigantic mirrors and love myself. so site work travel and land and home. why does this human experience have to be so fucking complicated.

and it's over

Didn't even make it a full year. Its over..... one click of the send button and my entire world is over. Another dent in my armor another life taken from me. ( wait! how many of those do I get again). I can't help but think my soul mate is truly gone and the rest are posers. impostors that have a good mouth piece. They know what to say. They know what i like or someone told him what to say. Still to this dayI have no idea what I did wrong to cause him to leave. I hate long distance relationships. Well I always have my work I can focus on. Just thinking thats what he wanted me to do in the first place. Not so much on him and what ever he was doing. I had so many suspicions but i never spoke on them just thinking if you just over look the dumb shit it would get better. lol I took a trip many states away and he didn't even pick up the damn phone and i stayed right then i should have just bounced lol but when your in love you tend to over look the things that should be red flags. but thats what i get for letting people in. getting to close and then getting shut down. i can't be to mad i never got to kiss him, touch him, smell him make love to him, see him in the morning. listen to him sleep. have a mind shattering orgasm with him. nothing just words......... Didn't even make it year. and now its over. 

the rain. how he makes me feel.

Its storming here and all i can think about is being curled up next to you. listening to your heart beat. thinking  about having your children and making a life together. as the storm rages outside i try to gather as much of you in my arms as possible.you ask me whats wrong and  i  say is i miss you i need you and I'm glad you found me. i climb up on your chest and kiss your lips, slowly at first and your arms engulf me and pull me closer. our tongues dance and my body heats quickly. i love kissing you, you make me feel so needed and wanted. i love you. you ask if we can try and get your sons here quicker tonight and of course i agree. you pull me on top of you. the storm lights up our room. you can see the t shirt that i have on is thin so you take the opportunity and rip it off of me. my breast react to the cold air in the room and my nipple stiffen. you pull me close to take one in your mouth. i can feel you harden beneath me. oh my  you feel so good i grind a bit to help it along. my pussy gets wet and soaks your boxers. the sensation of my breast in your mouth sends shivers up my body. i run my hand threw your hair and hold you close with your other hand you grip my ass and grind my hips into yours.. now of course your hard on has taken on a mind of his own and is now out and searching for my wetness. i move and guide him the right away and within seconds you are fully inside me. you fill my tight pussy and i feel every inch of you. i move slow stroking your hard on, you grunt, i moan, i cum hard you turn me over missionary you cum so hard inside me i can feel the heat rush and fill my insides. you kiss me and roll off and yeah i think that was twins. we fall asleep and the storm rages. i love you

i write when i am happy. what ever comes up comes out. i think of you often, and you have my heart

2011 same ole same

now of course this is about relationships. lol i swear i don' t know what to think anymore. keeping to myself again looks so tempting. but have already taken Kitten out of the box. there is no way she will go back with out a fight.  soooo she is going to stay out and im going to monitor she is great at protection. i swear you just cant trust anyone anymore.

First things first

Things in your life pretty much change over night. from a new opportunity to a new Man, a new baby. new friends. loving the old friends. missing people. loving the new life missing the old one. remembering the trials and the worries helping to build on the new out look. all of these things can happen in one whole day..i am just glad i am here to witness it for the time being. I'm happy that i can openly say i love you to someone and mean it despite the distance. sometimes things do take a turn for the left but you learn everyday weather you know it or not. i am loving my journey. taking notes and unlearning all the bad habits along the way.